


Built Up These Walls (To Stay Alive)

by itsOzzie



Category: The Prom - Sklar/Beguelin/Martin
Genre: Child Abuse, Dance With Us 2020, F/F, F/M, Soulmate AU, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2020-12-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:07:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27530491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsOzzie/pseuds/itsOzzie
Summary: The AU where soulmates feel each other's pain that I went way too hard on. My magnum opus for this week. Probably. I'm putting this draft in AO3 3 weeks early.
Relationships: Alyssa Greene/Emma Nolan, Kevin/Shelby (The Prom Musical)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 108





	Built Up These Walls (To Stay Alive)

**Author's Note:**

> Dance With Us Week Day 6.  
> Once again I wanted to do Ace!Emma but cannot write allosexuality.  
> ***MASSIVE TW'S FOR SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND CHILD ABUSE***

Alyssa’s soulmate’s pain wasn’t like what any of her friends said they had felt, and she knew that from her very first memory of it. It was the first day of kindergarten and she had just gotten through the door when she felt a slap across her face. She froze for a moment, startled by not having any warning for the sensation. Finally, her friend Shelby seemed to notice the odd look in her eyes.

“Are you alright?”

“Uh, yeah, soulmate pain, it’s...it’s weird,” Alyssa mumbled.

Shelby’s eyes widened as they practically lit up, a smile appearing on her face in a split second. “Ooh, that’s so cool! What was it like, what happened to him?”

Alyssa blinked and suspended the conversation for a moment. “You’re...excited he got hurt?”

“Of course!” Shelby exclaimed, grabbing Alyssa’s hand in an effort to snap her out of this and get her in the room. “I think you’re the first girl in the school that felt anything! Now let’s go find our cubbies and we’ll talk about this with Kaylee.” 

“O-okay,” Alyssa stuttered, but Shelby was dragging her to the coat rack before she could get the word out.

Alyssa didn’t want to tell them what she felt. Something felt off about it. She had just gotten to school and someone had already hit her soulmate? It didn’t make sense for another kid to hit him already, but grown-ups don’t hit kids. Her mother had always told her hitting anyone was wrong no matter what. So her case of soulmate pain was left a mystery while in the next few weeks all her other classmates got scraped knees and papercuts.

Whoever her soulmate was, he was interesting already.

Emma was in sixth grade now and she still couldn’t feel her soulmate’s pain. She was pretty sure that was why her dad hated her. No matter what she did, he’d never be okay with it. But, it turns out not everyone’s fathers took their anger out on their kids, and now she was in big fucking trouble. Maybe that’s why she didn’t feel her soulmate’s pain. She couldn’t tell the difference between his and hers.

She was at her locker when the usual group of kids that taunted her every day came up to her again. They always found it easy to pick on her because she never seemed to make an effort to make friends, and then when it came to situations like she was dead silent. That was the technique that made her dad stop eventually, but it never worked on them. 

“Hey, Emma, when are you planning on showing us what you sound like?” 

Grey was on his rotation of harassment right now. Since he was a football player it was easy to get his cronies excited, and it was even more annoying than usual.

“You have to know by now that you’re making yourself so easy for the rest of us,” he smirked, putting on that show of fake genuine that made Emma’s blood boil. 

With that he took a grip on her shoulders, knowing she couldn’t stop him thanks to the books in her arms, and shoved her backward into a passing upperclassman. They collided with an awkward thunk and the older kid kept moving with an annoyed grunt while Emma hit the row of lockers opposite her and fell, leaving Grey with a full view of the books in her hands that were now scattered across the hallway.

“What’s this?” he asked as he sunk to his knees in front of her, fingers grazing the book that was much smaller than the rest of them. “A little diary? How cute. Do you write about how much you wanna die in here? You know, I read that if you write down your goals you’re more likely to achieve them.”

Emma lunged for the book before Grey could curl his fingers around it to open it.

“Shut the fuck up.”

“And how are you planning on getting me to do that?”

The next thing Emma knew, she had punched Grey in the face. When she pulled her hand away, his eye was surrounded by purple blotches. The pain didn’t transfer onto her face, which she expected but was still grateful for as the moment she uncurled her fist it began to shake. What the fuck had she done? Was she doomed to be just like her father? Her chest went tight but she repressed the panic.

“Nolan! You are in middle school, you know by now that this behavior isn’t the correct response,” a teacher yelled from down the hallway.

“What?”

“I shouldn’t have to explain this, young lady, you know what you did.”

It was just one time. She only slipped up one time.

“Then why does my dad do it?”

The front door slammed so loudly that it shook the whole house.

“What the _fuck_ have you done, Emma Ruth?!”

“I said I’m sorry!”

“Sorry isn’t gonna fucking cut it, they’re gonna take you out of this house!”

“Maybe they should!”

The usual smack, only a little bit harder.

“Your mother and I have done everything for you! I can’t believe I raised such a selfish brat!”

Okay, this was escalating quickly. All Emma could do was disassociate through it.

“Are you even listening to me?!”

“Yes, dad.”

“I don’t believe you.”

_Fuck._

And he just kept going like that.

Alyssa, meanwhile, had only been home for 15 minutes. When the first hit came, she just wondered why it was so soon. But then it kept going and she got scared. Without really thinking, she burst into her mother’s room.

“Mom, something’s happening. My soulmate--”

Ms. Greene ignored it for a moment in favor of trying to work. “You know how it is, honey, boys will be boys.”

“No, you don’t understand!”

The sudden outburst got Ms. Greene to look up, concerned. “This happens all the time...and it’s really bad today.”

The pieces clicked in Veronica’s brain and she went from concerned to alarmed. “...Do you know who he is?”

“...No.

“Okay, okay…” as she attempted to make some kind of a plan, she watched her daughter flinch, a terrified look in her eyes like she was about to start running from something that wasn’t even there. “I’m gonna get you some ice.”

Alyssa just nodded.

When Ms. Greene got back into the room, Alyssa practically collapsed in her arms, holding the ice to a particular spot on her shoulder and sobbing, something she’d wanted to do for years but was too scared to.

“I love you, baby. You’re so strong.”

Then finally, it stopped for a moment.

“Put this on. No one can see these bruises,” Emma’s mother commanded, gesturing to the marks all over Emma’s arm. One even landed on her jaw. “Your father’s packing the car, let’s go.”

Emma obeyed, shoving the massive hoodie over her shirt and ignoring how it stung.

Alyssa pushed the ice pack into her arm a little harder.

“Where?” she rasped.

“Your grandmother’s. We’re gonna find a new place just in case this shit happens again, because I know we can’t be seen in Heaven anymore.” Mrs. Nolan started to walk away but stopped. “And stop crying, that won’t look any better than a bruise.”

“I thought you cared more than dad; I thought you were better. But you’re not,” Emma mumbled just loud enough for her to hear.

The look on her face darkened, but she didn’t say or do anything, just leaving Emma there to get to the van. Emma didn’t wipe away the tears.

It was dark when they finally arrived at Betsy’s, maybe 5 or 6. Emma didn’t want to feel like a burden to her Gran, so she hid in the car while her parents did the talking.

“Mom, hi,” Mr. Nolan whispered when the door opened.

“What are you doing here?”

A pause. “We kinda need to crash here for a bit while we find a new place.”

“What did you do? Where’s your kid?”

“Emma! Hurry up and get out of the car!”

Emma wandered to the porch, not looking anyone in the eye. Betsy raised an eyebrow. She had a bad feeling about this. 

_Don’t let her out of your sight, Betsy._

“Alright, fine. We’ll work out the situation as we go. I have a spare bedroom upstairs and this couch is a pull-out.”

Emma sighed. “I’ll take the couch.”

Betsy looked to her son and he didn’t argue. Emma didn’t say much of anything after that, just zoning out to the episode of Antiques Roadshow Betsy left running on the TV. She didn’t even take off her hoodie, and she knew Betsy kept her house warm. Even more concerning, Mr. Nolan refused to go into any more detail on what happened.

“Hey, Emma, can I talk to you upstairs?”

She looked at her father before responding “Sure.”

Betsy led Emma to her room and quickly locked the door, noting how she reacted to the little click. Did she think something bad was going to happen?

“What happened, really?”

Emma didn’t say anything, but that didn’t stop Betsy from noticing her lip trembling. After a moment, she wiped the sweat off her forehead. Then there was another pause and a quick, sharp breath in. She toyed with the edges of her sleeves, contemplating. Eventually, she seemed to remember the way her family attempted to program her.

“If I say it...they might hear you. You can’t tell them I did this. But, uh…”

She grimaced as she pulled the hoodie off.

“It’s sort of my fault. I can explain--”

“They hit you?!” Betsy screamed, immediately noticing Emma’s injuries.

Emma nodded, bowing her head in shame.

“I swear, I will get him out of my house right now. How could I not have known?!”

“I didn’t want to make it worse. Please don’t make him make it worse, Gran.”

Betsy stopped what she was about to do that second. That meant Emma had been dealing with this for...God knows how long. She looked so hurt, so scared. And she was only 10, 11 years old. She was a child, and her parents just uprooted her from everything she knew because of their own mistakes. And somehow it was only just now that she was crying. Even worse, she was still trying to apologize in between uncontrollable sobs.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know other kids’ parents don’t…”

Betsy wanted to ask how lonely she was that she got through all of elementary school without figuring that out, but decided it wasn’t worth it. She just stepped forward to hug her granddaughter, heart smashing into a thousand pieces when she heard a quiet gasp. When was this girl last hugged; last told she was loved? Didn’t her parents know there was someone out there they were hurting secondhand or was Emma not good enough for a soulmate to them? 

“It won’t make it any better, but I can get you some ice cream from downstairs and you won’t even have to look at them.”

A week later, Alyssa was headed to lunch with her friends, listening to Kaylee tell a story from Friday’s football game. Of course, it was a middle school game, so she might as well have been the only one there.

“My soulmate is the kid who twisted his ankle at the game! He went down and I thought I was going to die! I might join the cheer squad to get his attention though.”

“Mine got hit in the face while I was taking a math test earlier, it was so embarrassing! And that sounds fun, I might join you.”

 _So, he got hit,_ Alyssa thought, glancing around the hall, bored of the conversation. _What else is new?_

“Anything new with your soulmate, Lys?” Kaylee asked.

“You ask me this every week, no!”

“Well, you never tell us anything,” Shelby added.

(Alyssa’s chest was killing her and she knew it was because of her soulmate. It didn’t catch her off-guard.)

Stupid fucking Emma Nolan. She really thought she could change. She really thought she would change schools and then magically be able to talk to people and magically have friends, but here she was, standing in front of the cafeteria, trying so hard to catch her breath and not look like a freak. But then these girls turned the corner and immediately noticed her.

“I have my reasons, guys, don’t worry about it,” one of them said, eyes wandering as though she longed to be anywhere but there. “Have you guys seen her before?” she whispered, eager to change the subject.

“No. I’m gonna go say hi,” another girl said, making a beeline for Emma.

“Uh, hey, are you new here or something?”

Emma looked up for a moment to find someone was staring her dead in the eyes. In a split second, she took a step back and was fighting with herself to not avert her gaze and look somehow odd. “Yeah.”

“Do you need somewhere to sit in the cafeteria? You can sit with me and my friends if you’d like.”

Emma nodded, a wave of relief crashing over her.

“I’m Shelby, by the way.”

“Emma.”

It was better than sitting alone, she guessed, but now she was with a group of three girls she’d never even met before, and now she felt the need to explain herself to them as they effortlessly weaved through the minor conglomeration of people that this school called a crowd while simultaneously not losing track of her.

“I'm sorry about this, guys, I…”

“Don't worry about it,” Shelby interjected. “Everyone’s new at some point. We don't get a lot of that around here. Where are you from?”

“Uh, Heaven. A few towns over.”

Shelby nodded, unsure of what to say next. Emma wasn't any better. Still, she managed a weak smile in favor of saying anything in response. The ache in Alyssa's chest, the sting of a false pressure on her lungs, was fading quickly. But it was instantaneously replaced by something else. She couldn't put her finger on it, but the moment it showed up her whole body turned warm.

Emma had a cute smile. It wasn't perfect, by any means, though. Alyssa could spot, from across the table, the beginning of a yellow tint setting on them as if most nights she didn't brush her teeth but it hadn't caught up to her yet. There was a gap between her front teeth that wasn't being helped by braces but it was just the perfect size to still be deemed endearing. Her hazel eyes glowed with flecks of gold that could be powered by the curve of her lips, which was just the perfect angle.

“Lys, are you okay? You've got this...this look on your face, Kaylee asked suddenly, interrupting Alyssa's train of thought.

“You've been zoned out for, like, five minutes!” Shelby added. She paused for a second to allow the conversation to shift gears smoothly. “Something happened with your soulmate, didn't it? You've been super weird and super quiet all week.”

“Oh my God, shut up.”

“Girl, you know us, that will never happen,” Shelby joked. 

“Now spit it out,” Kaylee added for good measure.

“In your dreams,” Alyssa replied.

She looked at Emma, who had fallen silent again, picking at her food. Her rather pale cheeks were tinged with pink and the smile still wasn't entirely wiped off. Alyssa had the urge to do something stupid to see if Emma would feel it.

“Hey, mom?”

“Yes, Alyssa?”

“Can girls be soulmates with other girls?”

Ms. Greene stiffened suddenly; a flicker in her eyes of some strange, deep-rooted fear. “Who told you that?”

“No one told me,” Alyssa said with a shrug like it was the most casual thing ever despite Ms. Greene’s reaction. “That's why I’m asking you. I was just...thinking.”

Of course, this freaked her mother out more. If she came to that conclusion herself, then…

“No. And the people who think they can are delusional. They think they can't love their God-given soulmate so they latch onto someone else. Think they can understand that person’s suffering.”

“But what if they don't know who their soulmate is and find that person first?”

_No...no, no, no._

“Alyssa!” Ms. Greene snapped. It came out louder than intended and the apology showed on her face the moment she received a meek reply.

“What’d I do?”

“Nothing, dear. I'm sorry. I just...can't have this conversation right now.”

“Okay?"

She grabbed her daughter’s hand quickly, the moment she realized Alyssa wasn't about to forgive her after just that, and her desperation to keep her daughter in her life showed in her face. She knew that someday Alyssa would come to her own conclusion, and based on the oddly specific question, it wouldn't be the one that she believed. But it didn't add up. Alyssa definitely had a soulmate, hell, Veronica would never forget the look on her face last week, so why would she suddenly be so curious about a girl? Still, no matter what happened, Alyssa was the most important thing to her, and the way things went in the future was determined by what happened today.

“You know what? Why don't we go to that diner you love.”

“It's forty-five minutes away.”

Before her dad left two years ago he would take her out on fishing trips to the lake an hour away from town on the weekend. Alyssa never caught anything but she loved hearing her dad so passionate and loved spending time with him. After that, they’d drive a bit more to a cheap burger shack with milkshakes unlike any other restaurant for miles around. The last day before he left, it was a Wednesday, but he took her out for the weekend ritual after school anyway, and the last thing he said before she nodded off in the car on the way home was that he loved her. She couldn't blame herself for falling asleep; it was 11:30 at night, but she wished she had stayed up a little longer to be tucked into bed one last time because in the morning he was gone. Her mom let her stay home from that Thursday but she didn't want to. The house was too quiet.

Sometimes she wondered if he really wanted to leave her with nothing.

“I'm willing to drive.”

The girls quickly realized just how odd Emma actually was. When she would hang out with one of them individually, particularly Shelby, she seemed almost normal apart from her excessive swearing considering how religious Edgewater was. She had been asked to kick the habit for when she was with them because of their parents, but could never seem to follow through. The few times the other girls’ mothers caught her in the act she’d beg them not to tell her dad and then say nothing at all the next day. Then when she did have the courage to be a part of the group’s weekly hangout, which was inconsistent on her part, at best, she was almost always dead silent, as if she were afraid of taking up space. She was terrible at eye contact, particularly when it came to adults, and never seemed to take her coat off. They could never have that hangout at her house for reasons that made sense at first; there wasn’t room in Gran’s apartment, but as she moved away from that apartment, the answer became a no without any explanation at all.

Meanwhile, the other three had joined the cheer squad, not to mention they were ridiculously caught up in their soulmates, which made it kind of inevitable that she faded into the background of their lives and eventually stopped texting the group altogether. It wasn’t anything dramatic, they were just at completely different places in life. The other girls acted like middle schoolers, but Emma had been forced to grow up. She wished she could say the arrangement at least gotten her through middle school, or that she hadn’t been trying to keep the weird dynamic afloat, but that would be a lie, so once again she was the loner, and she watched as the people she had been scared to call friends became the most adored girls at school. And it stayed like that until freshman year chemistry. The next time Emma actually saw Alyssa Greene again. For the purposes of remaining candid, Emma would admit her crush on Alyssa did nothing for their friendship.

The more Emma thought about Alyssa, the more dark paths her mind went on. Alyssa was never going to be her soulmate. Even if she could convince herself Alyssa had been acting weird around her since the Thanksgiving assembly, she would rather assume that was because she sounded awful rather than put herself out there and get hurt. This was just a candid crush, like the ones in worlds without soulmates. Then the reminder came that she had no signs of a soulmate, followed by the haunting knowledge that if she came out publicly with either of those things, her dad might as well kill her and then throw her lifeless body in the woods.

So she just thought about Kevin. She liked Kevin. He was her lab partner in chemistry and she was the only football player she knew who wasn’t a jerk. He was a bit of a dork and always made her laugh, and if she squinted she could see why another girl might think he’s cute.

“Hey, Kev.”

“Emma! You ready to make some peanut brittle?”

And he didn’t mind talking to her either. In fact, he seemed to love the challenge of getting her to open up over the past 3 months. He made her feel safe, for what might as well have been the first time in her life.

“I’m just glad we don’t have to do more boring busywork right before Christmas,” she replied.

“Well,” he said, an excited glimmer in his eyes. “I think we’re gonna have the best brittle in the whole class!”

She looked around the room. “You know we’re in the smallest class Mrs. Burton has. 10 people, 5 pairs. That’s not gonna be hard.”

A look of concentration passed over him. How hard is it to count to ten? “Well, of course not. We’re amazing partners.”

“You’re adorable,” Emma said with a grin, playfully swatting his shoulder as the bell rang. It had taken way too much apprehension to actually follow through with it, but she was...oddly proud of herself.

“I am?”

“Yeah, in a funny way.”

“Dammit.”

With that clarification out the way, Mrs. Burton shuffled into the room and Emma was quick to shut up before she could be told to do so. The directions for the lab were dished out in a relatively monotone voice and then papers were being sent to the back of the room for extra clarification. With that began what was supposed to be a fun, chill, class period. Boy was that the wrong assessment. Everything was fine until 10 minutes in, at which point there was a loud bang and Emma felt something on her arm.

“What was that?” she half-whispered, half-snarled.

“The explosion?” Kevin said, reaching over to flick the burner off just so he could watch the chaos of the next few minutes without immediate karma. “I’m pretty sure that was Alyssa and Shelby.”

“Well, duh,” Emma said, looking up at the girls who were covered in the still-hot half-formed brittle. “I mean the burning; I cannot be the only one who feels that.”

“Oh, yeah,” Kevin said, pretty casual about it. “That’s probably a soulmate thing... Wait a minute.”

“What do you mean it’s a soulmate thing? I don’t get that.”

Kevin squinted at her but otherwise ignored the comment. “...Shelby and Alyssa,” he mumbled.

“Are we gonna ignore that they’re both girls?” Emma said defensively, heart racing at the idea.

“People are gay, Emma. It’s 2014.”

Emma blushed at the word. “Just...don’t tell anyone.”

“I won’t. So...what do we do now?”

“What?”

“Who’s who?”

“Oh. Right,” she paused to think. Eventually, a thought came. “...I have a terrible idea. I hate myself for it. You have to promise you won’t kill me and for the record, I still have my gloves on.”

“Go for it.”

In a moment of pure embarrassment in which she questioned everything in her life that could have led her to this moment, she deliberately hit her only friend in the nuts, hiding her hand under the table and barely keeping a straight face as she repressed a disgusted, unholy screech. She couldn’t watch him keel over. Rather, she kept watch across the room to which of the two girls who were headed to the door would have the same reaction. The next thing she knew, Shelby fell to the ground.

“What the hell, Emma?” Kevin groaned.

“If you’re not reacting to being burned by peanut brittle until I pointed it out I had to go big.”

“I mean, that’s fair, but I thought we were both well-adjusted people!”

“I have never felt that in my life, Kev.”

“You’re for real?” Kevin asked, finally getting out of the doubled over position.

“100 percent.”

“Shit,” he said, finally noticing the way the insanity across the room had blown way out of proportion. “Well, I gotta go apologize to Shelbs for your dumbass decision. But then I will be researching this all weekend on your behalf.”

“Thanks, dude. You’re...you’re a good friend. Also...you can read?”

“Anytime! And yes!” he said with a grin, firing finger guns at Emma before turning around to find Shelby.

“Still changing these gloves though.”

“Oh, definitely.”

Mostly she was just turning away so she could laugh at herself. And laugh at how poorly this was about to go.

“Hey, Shelby, I’m sorry about that, I--”

“The hell’d you do? Rub your dick on the corner of the desk too hard?”

The room erupted in laughter and Kevin turned red. “Well, not exactly.”

Shelby was finally back to her full height, two inches taller than Kevin. “Then I want an explanation.”

He swallowed and looked to Emma, standing at the sink and washing her hands with the water purposefully on full-blast. If she didn’t have to hear the betrayal she thought was coming it wouldn’t be real.

“No.”

“What?!”

“I can’t.”

“When we’re alone, then.”

“No,” Kevin repeated. “I just...no.”

Shelby just rolled her eyes at him and then Mrs. Burton yelled at them to hurry up and get cleaned up.

Kevin looked back at Emma, still vigorously rinsing her hands. Or so it seemed.

“Are you okay?”

Emma kept her eyes on the water. “I just screwed everything up for you, didn’t I?”

“No, I’ll figure it out. I’m worried about you right now.”

She hesitated. Wondered if saying it out loud would make it real and make her seem somehow insane. “...Sometimes I get so many thoughts in my head and they’re all so overwhelming and _loud_ that I just...shut down, I guess.”

There was nothing about mental health in the school’s health curriculum, so it came as no shock when Kevin didn’t know what to say. “...You should talk to your parents about that,” he finally stammered.

“Trust me, I wish I could.”

More stuff to research for Kevin. Oddly, he didn’t mind. He could make a Saturday out of it. Sit in the library and take in the old book smell. Or, you know, use the internet like any other kid and have it take twenty minutes at most. He went with the latter because he could have hot chocolate in his room.

“Would you rather just get back to work? We have less competition now.”

Emma laughed, and though it was weak it was genuine. “My hands might be a little shaky.”

“That’s okay.”

Later that day Emma was greeted with a note taped to her locker that read _best friends by soulmate! :D_ with a phone number scribbled beneath it. She smiled again at the dork who was her best friend. She wasn’t used to the feeling and it was starting to make her face hurt after the peanut brittle thing went down.

But it was nice.

To make the day better, Emma agreed to stay at Betsy’s house. It was a yearly thing where her parents put way too much effort into Christmas to give the facade of normalcy by buying lots of presents as if that would change anything, and they loved taking a whole night to do it. The neighbors thought it was cute. Emma knew it was a fabricated excuse to get her away from them with the added bonus of day drinking.

“Someone had a good day today,” Betsy greeted Emma at the door with a smile.

“Yeah, for once.”

“I’m glad.”

“Thanks,” Emma replied, and within moments her phone vibrated in her hand. Like some wizard, Betsy knew what was happening in moments.

“Who’s this?”

“No one you need to worry about,” Emma told her. It was still sort of instinctual to hide things.

Betsy just raised an eyebrow, knowing that would get Emma to go more in-depth. It was a good trick to keep the conversation rolling from time to time.

“Just someone from school.”

“Project?”

“No, surprisingly. But I like him, platonically, so.”

“Alright. I’ll let you head upstairs now. I’ll see you at dinner and then we can make cookies?”

“Sounds great! Love you, Gran.”

**so...what are you doing about the soulmate thing?**

**i...**

**i literally have no idea**

**i didnt think id get here tbh**

**what do you mean?**

**well**

Emma delays the response, trying to figure out what to keep in.

**i just...didnt think i had a soulmate**

**and either way i cant just say to her oh your soulmates a girl!**

**not here anyway**

**she has to figure it out herself**

**or else shes gonna hate me**

**you're rambling again**

**sorry**

**but about the not having a soulmate thing...apparently delayed or stopped pain is because people are in dangerous situations or already have a decent amount of pain individually?**

**welp**

**haha**

**couldnt be me**

**Emma.**

**i'm serious**

**i gtg though. bye!**

She shut the phone off immediately after sending that message and threw it across the bed. Somehow her overrun brain was left unsatisfied by the lack of a clatter on the hardwood floor, like her anger just wasn't quelled by it. And that was the problem. She had too many feelings and nowhere to feel safe letting them out. She'd filled up her middle school diary years ago. So she'd definitely had anxiety before--but nothing could prepare her for a full-blown panic attack, not helped by the way her phone kept blowing up. It started with the usual thoughts. _Why can’t you be normal? Why can’t you be enough for them?_ But before she could get a grip on herself it spiraled from questions to statements. _You’re a burden on the few people who pretend to care, but they don’t actually care. It’s a lie. Your whole life is a lie._ And then she was gasping for air she couldn’t tell what was worse; her perception of the room or the hands that she couldn’t get to stop moving. _Stop! Just stop! You’re better than this!_ The voice of reason was screaming but it was no match for a thousand whispers. _No one loves you; you’re better off dead and no one would care. Not even your parents. That’s how much of a pathetic waste of space you are. Kill yourself._

She didn't even hear the door open or her grandmother sit next to her on the bed, even when the soft, old mattress dipped under the combination of their two weights. The only thing that seemed to get Emma out of this spiral was Betsy running her fingers through her hair. Something about the repetition of it was soothing.

"'M sorry..." Emma slurred out eventually.

"No baby, you're fine. What happened?"

"I just..." she started to say something but stopped after a little hesitation.

"Do you _want_ to talk about it?"

Another hesitation. "...Prob'ly shouldn't."

“...So would you rather I just distract you?”

“Yes,” Emma practically begged. “Get me out of my head.”

As much as Emma said she didn't want to talk about what had just happened, it slipped out anyway. She didn't mean to, but of course on the one day where she had something to say on the topic, it came up. Honestly, she was probably just desperate to be included.

Betsy didn't know what to say to her granddaughter for a moment. She’d never had an opinion on gay people, so long as their life choices didn't effect her. But this was the girl she'd practically raised, so of course she had the horrible thought of wondering what she'd done; if God would hate her for raising a gay kid. But she was forced to remember the facts. If she went with what this town tried to shove down her throat, Betsy would've disowned Emma. But she couldn't do that, because then Emma would have no one. And it showed in the pure horror on her face.

“Well, the world knows how to keep people together. That's the point of soulmates.”

And Emma assumed her Gran was right, because when she got back to school for the second half of the year, who approached her other than Alyssa Greene. It started so suddenly.

“Hey, can I ask you something weird?”

“Shoot.”

“Can you help me out with chem?”

Emma’s eyes nearly bugged out of her head.

“Me? Why not ask Kev? He’s actually...y’know...cool.”

Alyssa giggled at her. "Since when have I cared about being cool? One second I'm with my friends, the next I'm being worshipped."

"O-oh."

Next thing you know, Alyssa was leaning in to whisper something and Emma barely managed to hold in her sapphic death as the words left a feeling on her ear. "And don't tell anyone but Shelby is already..." she trails off, prompting Emma to look at the devilish glint in her eyes that was accompanied by a knowing half-smirk. Emma swallowed a lump in her throat when she realized their foreheads were touching. "...with Kevin, and I don't want to be a third wheel to that."

" _Oh_. Oh, yeah...uh. I totally get where you're coming from there."

"So we'll set a date?"

"What?! ...I mean, um, yeah! Totally!"

, that was how it started. It was supposed to just be a once a week meeting in the band closet to study but it became more than that stupid periodic table song blasting on loop as they poured over flashcards. It turned into occasional gossip and light banter when Emma finally got through to herself that Alyssa wanted this. And that was only, what? Three or four months later?

“You know, I heard from Kevin that Kaylee’s not even Nick’s soulmate. They made it up to look cool,” Emma randomly blurted out as she spread all their combined notes on the floor. She didn't even look up at Alyssa, because at some point she felt comfortable enough to not feel obliged to eye contact.

Alyssa seemed to register the mutual agreement that looking at each other in the eyes wasn't necessary. She scanned her reference table as she replied. “Wouldn't even shock me. Have you heard how he talks to her?”

“God, it's terrible.”

And from that launching point of mutually hating Nicholas Boomer and having no one else to bitch about him to, a friendship was born. Emma tried her best to keep it just a friendship, anyway. As much as she liked Alyssa's company, she couldn't scare her off with...literally anything else. Especially not her weird, inconsistent soulmate pain that just so happened to line up with Alyssa's. So the line between what was friend and more-than friend blurred more as they got closer, until one Sunday in junior year.

Emma didn't remember how it started. There was actually a lot of it she didn't remember, but for this particular inciting incident, she must have just fucked up. Been tired and careless and left her books on the table, prompting her dad to find something. More specifically, the journal she'd been keeping since the incident in freshman year. (Betsy had bought her a new one.)

“Emma, why the hell does this say in your handwriting that your soulmate is a girl?"

She was already miserable. Standing there in an ugly Sunday dress and an even uglier cardigan. Just waiting on her mother and her stupid, stupid pearls.

“What?”

“The notebook. You know what I mean. That's not a real thing.”

“But it is,” Emma cried out.

Suddenly she was bold. remembering she had somewhere to go. Some backup plan and no reason to put up with this anymore. God, she was tired of hiding. There was no point in lying, he'd read the words on the paper and lying would prolong terrible consequences. If she just said it now it would hurt much less. It might ease her of her guilt.

“And I...I think I love her.”

“No, you don't. You never paid enough attention in church.”

This is when Emma went from stupid, to plain reckless. “Well, maybe I don't wanna go to your stupid church! Maybe your god isn't who he says he is! Doesn't he love everyone?”

“We can still salvage this, but if you refuse to even believe in God after your own sin, you're not my daughter. Get out of my fucking house. You're a goddamned disgrace I can't associate with.”

Emma didn't make a fuss about it, only telling him, “I’m not surprised.” And she started to walk out like he had told her to, but he had one more thing to say.

“And maybe you should read this, see how quick you crawl back home.”

Emma turned around and the next thing she knew a Bible had hit her in the face. Had he thrown it? She fell to her knees and then there was a gap in her memory for a moment. It had to be only two minutes because from her place on the porch she caught sight of her mother’s heels without hearing them get there or knowing the context to their warbled conversation. Her mother’s feet looked ugly in these shoes, like the foot binding practices in ancient China that Emma had learned about in school. They were a show of class but they left women trapped, unable to fend for themselves. But Emma wasn’t stuck in the ugly church heels yet.

“...don’t want a fucking dyke here either, do you?” her father was clearly finishing some rant to her mother, who hesitated, but her response might as well have broken Emma all over again.

“...I guess not.”

Taking in a quick breath, Emma stumbled to her feet. It made the world around her start tilting like she was stuck on a rollercoaster, and all of a sudden there were knots in her stomach. She was pretty sure she would have fainted if not for her throbbing headache. But if you asked if she passed out, she wouldn't know how to respond.

The headache was so sharp and sudden and everywhere that it made Alyssa stop in her tracks for a moment.

"You alright, Lys?" Mrs. Greene asked, slinging her bag over her shoulder, indicating that she was not about to stop moving.

"Yeah, I just have a bad headache all of a sudden."

"Interesting timing."

"...What?"

"You're not missing church breakfast."

Suddenly there was an ache in her chest and her stomach felt like lead.

"No, I wasn't saying that, it's just...you asked."

"Sure. Let's go."

First off: She was standing on the side of the road. Where was this road, and how did she get here? She had no clue. Look around and find trees. Trees, trees, and more trees. Boy was the midwest interesting. Wait, no, turn around you dipshit. And, boom. The busiest road in all of Edgewater, because right on the other side of the road was the church. She swore she could already hear the sound of the choir warming up from outside, but rather than the joyful melodies she used to hear, these ones she knew would keep haunting her. It was only when she heard a car coming that she really registered what time it was and that she couldn't be there.

She willed herself to run and take cover behind a tree, making her start seeing double for a moment as the car's tires made the gravel that made up the parking lot crackle under the weight of the vehicle, but at least she knew the newly-budding leaves would conceal the inevitable fall she took. She could use a chance to sit down anyway. Her leg scraped a rock that was nestled behind the tree and then there was another noise. Emma watched the scene unfold through only her peripherals, not daring to go any further. Mrs. Greene's voice was faint from here, but she sounded pissed as Alyssa appeared to trip over nothing. Emma instinctually pulled away at the tone of the comment.

"Alyssa, this isn't funny. Come on."

Alyssa was speechless and looked terrified from even that far away and Emma was forced to think of the consequences her existence brought upon her best friend as she felt a yank on her wrist that didn't come from anywhere near her. She wouldn't be shocked if Alyssa resented her after this; knowing she had caused her that much pain. Because now she would know she was gay and that Emma was too, but she was still a church girl and would have to live with the burden of knowing that everything she had would be ripped away by Emma _fucking_ Nolan, who Kaylee and Shelby didn't even know she was friends with.

Still, the thought of that rejection brought about a cold dread. It was one that was always there, but it was so intense sometimes that she had to fight it so it wouldn't consume her. Sometimes it did. And sometimes that came in the form of panicking so badly that she couldn't form words at all, like the kind of panic she was having right now that she didn't notice over everything. But if even that didn't swallow her whole, she would think other things. What would it be like for Alyssa if she up and shot herself with her dad's hunting rifle, or sliced open her wrists, or broke into the medicine cabinet, or finally figured out how to tie a goddamn noose? Would it still hurt Alyssa if Emma killed herself? What would happen to that pain when she died? Would it just...disappear? Alyssa probably wouldn't even care by now. She'd probably be so happy to not constantly hurt anymore. And Emma wouldn't even blame her. It made her wonder sometimes; why did her pain show up when it did? It had only been a flicker of hope, and she hated herself for being that desperate. But it might've been the first time she really saw beyond surviving one day. Maybe she could survive a week and picture that math test, which she'd definitely fail, but that wasn't the point. The point was that someone cared and for once she didn't doubt that. And the thought of that going away...she couldn't bear it. Hiding her fear as if she had just realized what she'd done, she watched the other cars start to pull into the church.

Eventually, she stopped hearing voices come from inside, and she figured she was safe to get out from behind the tree now that everyone inside was moving their attention to the service. She didn't have enough time to calm down and get out of her head, because that would take hours, and she couldn't risk someone getting bored and staring out the window. So again she staggered to her feet, trying desperately to ignore the way everything started spinning the moment she did. She bolted down the road as fast as she could before immediately slowing when she wouldn't be seen. She would have to deal with the consequences of doing this later.

It was only 20 minutes into service and Alyssa couldn't feel her hands. She was in church and the next thing she knew, her hands were numb. And this was her tipping point. Whether or not she meant to, she zoned out in an attempt to avoid her ever-growing nausea.

"Alyssa, pay attention," her mother whispered sharply, jolting her out of her daze and immediately forcing her to hold back a gag.

"Sorry," Alyssa mumbled, and immediately Mrs. Greene looked over at her, seeing how the color drained from her face.

"Are you okay?"

Alyssa didn't even take the chance to say _I told you so_ , and only shook her head.

“Just try to stay awake until the service is over, then I'll take you home.”

Once again Alyssa didn't say anything, just nodded to her mother. Miraculously, she didn't pass out from the odd feeling of a horrible headache and feeling lightheaded at the same time, but she only half remembered her mother stopping to chat with the Nolan’s. It was only then that Alyssa realized Emma wasn't there. As promised, Veronica tried to get out of there quickly, but the Nolan’s were always quite nosy.

“Where are you off to?” Mary asked with a rather cold voice.

“Alyssa isn't feeling too well, so we're headed out earlier than planned.”

“Oh, what a coincidence, Emma has been feeling rather ill today as well,”. Mary said, deflecting from the inevitable question before it could be asked.

A chill ran down Veronica's spine as she tried to ignore what that could mean. “So your daughter is sick enough to miss church and you leave her home alone?” The question was clearly rhetorical. “That seems quite irresponsible.”

“Who are you to meddle in affairs that aren't yours?”

“I'm not meddling, I just think it's...suspicious.”

With that, Mary Nolan disappeared from view with a tsk that was clearly meant for Veronica to hear.

“I'm sorry I didn't listen to you earlier.”

That was all Mrs. Greene could muster up to say to Alyssa as she collapsed on her bed, legs shaking from just going up the stairs. She would have fallen asleep during the car ride home if not for the fact she was trying way too hard not to projectile vomit. Now the only thing keeping her from that was her shallow breathing. It was painfully obvious she didn't have the energy to respond. She just closed her eyes, grateful to be able to lie down in peace. Mrs. Greene took that as a good enough response and left the room without another word, turning off the lights and shutting the door behind her.

It was only then that Emma finally got to Betsy's house. Usually, she would question why it took way more than double the time it usually did, but since everything was spinning and every ray of sun burned her eyes she wasn't about to complain about taking nearly an hour and a half instead of 25 minutes. She just hoped her gran was home when the doorbell rang at such a strange time.

Betsy didn't know what she expected, but it wasn't Emma standing on her porch with a fresh bruise covering half her face and blood gushing from an obviously broken nose. Her eyes were bloodshot and she couldn't seem to get control over her body.

“Oh my...God, what happened?” Betsy uttered in disbelief. 

This was when Emma discovered she was also having trouble speaking. As if she needed more reasons to panic, there was a barrier between her brain and her mouth now too.

“I...I think I ha...have a con...cussion.” She stuttered after spending far too long trying to think of the words she wanted to say.

“I can tell. You need medical attention. I'm taking you to urgent care.”

Emma was willing to not have a choice in the matter even though a car ride made her stomach do flips and it was far too bright and loud in there for her to feel like she was really being helped. She only started to calm down enough to recall anything when she was back at her Gran’s, safely tucked under a blanket on the couch. The moment she did finally feel safe sharing this, Betsy drove across town to get Emma's stuff and tell Emma's father he wasn't her son anymore just to give him a taste of his own medicine.

Alyssa went back to school on Tuesday, insisting she could despite the nonstop headache, and was filled in on only the parts of the story that Emma's parents wanted people to know. 

“They gave her a Bible, what’d she want them to say?”

Alyssa was hesitant to accept just that, and she was glad she didn't because a few days later she got a text “from Betsy on Emma's behalf”. Apparently, Emma was pretty badly hurt by what was clearly a more vile version of Mr. Nolan's picture. What also seemed apparent was that Emma wouldn't be going back to school for a while because of it, and that was already making her go a tad stir-crazy. So Alyssa figured she'd pay a visit when she had the energy.

(Let it be known that Kevin also swung by on a different day.)

“Thanks again, Betsy.”

Betsy smiled at Alyssa as she put her bag down. “Lord knows we're not going anywhere.”

She remembered all of it too well; every detail on Emma's face when she walked in. The look of shock that someone still cared. How tense she seemed as if scared to trust that Alyssa was actually there. But most important was the massive purple splotch that immediately made her think something.

She paused at the couch, hovering over Emma cautiously with disbelief in her eyes. She drew in a breath before finally muttering, “Oh my God.”

“Looks p...pretty badass...right?” Emma stuttered after a pause.

Alyssa finally sat down across from her and sighed. “I'm so sorry about everything.”

“It was kinda…” she stumbled over the word inevitable for 10 seconds before giving up, but Alyssa swore she wouldn't mind hearing that for hours. 

Alyssa smiled at nothing in particular. She was just happy being here. With a kind of intimacy she couldn't name. And it was at that moment Alyssa realized she may as well have been in love with Emma the whole time. She didn't even need to make sure the stars allowed it. She just knew it was the right thing, the only possible explanation for why she thought she was dying on Sunday.

“You're my soulmate, aren't you?”

“Yeah,” Emma replied. “S...So honestly, I sh...should be t-telling you I'm sorry.”

“You don't have to say anything,” Alyssa said, trailing off before letting out the thought that for some reason she couldn't hide. “Honestly, I've wanted to kiss you since sixth grade. I don't think any of this can change fate.”

Emma smiled a little and it made Alyssa flinch, and suddenly she was giddy with laughter and overcome by emotions. She couldn't tell who started crying first. Hopefully, Emma was crying for a similar reason to her. They sat there for a moment just taking it all in before Emma eventually formed a response.

“Can you maybe...wait a...a bit longer? I w-want to re...member all of it. And I th...think it would hurt...right now.”

“I think I’d wait forever if I had to.”

“Dork."

“I know.”

After they both figured it out, it took a lot of time for Emma to be convinced that she was ready for a relationship, and all of it Alyssa was very patient with. She often felt like she didn't know what love was supposed to be like, let alone how to handle it. So Alyssa was very careful about it, making sure to remind her that everything she dealt with wasn't her fault; her parents would have found another reason to hate her.

“Did you do that to yourself?” Alyssa would ask.

“No.”

“Then don't apologize for hurting me. Because you didn't.”

There was one time Alyssa received a yes in response and she fell silent for a moment. Eventually, she whispered to a terrified Emma that she didn't mind that either and that it would be better now.

Finally, one day nine months later, Emma finally gave the explicit go-ahead. At which point Alyssa was still careful not to cross any lines.

Kissing Emma Nolan, it was gentle. It was soft. It was cautious. It made you forget the bruises she used to amount on her cheeks or the way she used to taste her own blood. It made Alyssa melt into her a little as she wondered what kind of chapstick Emma used because she tasted vaguely of vanilla while still smelling like fresh lumber; an entire pallet to the senses, Emma's lips were rugged and chapped from the now November cold while still feeling so perfect and warm to Alyssa. It was absolutely everything the world set them up for and Alyssa almost didn't know where to go from there. But she quietly, finally asked Emma to be her girlfriend, murmuring against her skin while stuck wafting in the bliss of her aftertaste, eyes barely even open after the kiss. Of course, Emma said yes, forgetting for a moment what she'd have to deal with in barely ten minutes time because finally she could let down her guard and watch her walls start tumbling down, even if she still felt guilty watching Alyssa get hurt in the hallways along with her. Maybe things would be okay, and this could finally be the part where she could start living instead of just surviving.


End file.
